Charles Rammelkamp

Adjunct

Because I’m left-handed and write illegibly anyway,
after I’d scrawled my name on the chalkboard,
John Charles Day introduced me as “Charles Rammelhony.”
I didn’t correct him but followed him to our seats facing the panelists.

“Now let’s let the folks back home know
exactly what your line is,” he said one we were seated.

ADJUNCT ENGLISH TEACHER AT A COMMUNITY COLLEGE
flashed on the screen, and the studio audience applauded.

“Panel, we can tell you that Mister Rammelhony is salaried
and he’s a member of a profession.
We’ll start the questioning with Miss Francis.”

Always charming – she was about to open on Broadway –
Arlene smiled: “From your hand-writing,
can I guess that you’re a doctor?”
The audience laughed, and I blushed, shaking my head.

“That’s one down and nine to go,” Daly said,
briskly flipping the tile.

David Niven was the guest panelist that night,
seated between Arlene and Dorothy.
Honing in on the “profession” part of the clue,
they ran through questions about lawyers, stockbrokers,
entertainers and businessmen.  Bennett came closest
when he asked if I were a college dean.

So when they all struck out, and Daly announced
“Mister Rammelhony is an adjunct English professor
at a community college,” Dorothy piped in: “Oh! You’re
the one who teaches the right way to use a semi-colon!”

And, not to be outdone, Arlene added, “Seems like
you’d be writing on a blackboard a lot!
I feel so sorry for your students!” 

Putting on the Ritz

Besides their Mount Kisco home,
where Bennett Cerf also lived,
Arlene Francis and her husband Martin Gabel
had an apartment on the eighth floor
of the Ritz Tower, on 57th Street,
but their Mount Kisco home was closer
to Westport, CT, where Arlene
was in a summer stock play,
when the tragedy occurred.

If tragedy marked anybody’s life,
Arlene Francis’s might be one:
her Armenian grandparents killed
by Turkey’s Ottoman government
in the Hamidian Massacres,
her father, Aram Kazanjian, studying art in Paris.
He emigrated to Boston, where Arlene was born,
the family moving to New York
when she was seven.

Now, celebrating his 60th birthday
with a three-day stay in New York,
Alvin Rodecker and his wife
had lunch at Le Pavillon on the ground floor
of Ritz Tower, directly below Francis’ apartment.
“Holy cow, that was expensive!”
Rodecker exclaimed, “but it was worth it!
We’re really celebrating.” His final words.

Francis’ secretary, Muriel Fleit, had decided
to do some cleaning, enlisting the maid,
Effie Turner, who opened a window
that was propped up by an eight-pound barbell.
The barbell fell out the window,
landed on Rodecker’s skull.
He died the next day.

And that wasn’t all.
Two years later, driving
on the Northern state Parkway of Long Island,
her car skidded across the highway divider
into oncoming traffic, a head-on collision.

Broken collarbone, cracked ribs, a concussion.
The other car? Not so lucky:
passenger (wife of the driver) killed,
leading to more lawsuits.

Arlene died from cancer and Alzheimer’s
in San Francisco, 2001, age 93.

Please Come Again

Appearing on the first episode of What’s My Line?
February 2, 1950, Dorothy Kilgallen was a mainstay
on the panel for fifteen years,
right up until the day she died, November 8, 1965,
found dead in her East 68th Street apartment,
from a combination of alcohol and barbiturates.

She’d appeared on the show the night before, live,
Joey Heatherton the Mystery Guest.
She sat beside Tony Randall,
a guest panelist that night,
Arlene and Bennett also on the panel.

The first contestant, a Sikh named Spoony Singh,
owned of a wax museum in Hollywood.
Nobody guessed his profession.

Next up? After a Chase and Sanborn commercial,
a woman from Madisonville, Kentucky.
Her profession? Selling dynamite.
And Dorothy Kilgallen guessed it!

After Joey Heatherton – Bennett guessed her identity –
and a Kool cigarette commercial –
Taste extra coolness in your smoke,
Let Kools come through for you –
a final contestant – a football writer,
but they ran out of time
before they could finish,
even though Dorothy did guess
the woman was a “writer”.

“Good night, John,” Dorothy said
at the end of the program, ever gracious.
“Good night, Tony. Please come again.”

 

Charles Rammelkamp is Prose Editor for Brick House Books in Baltimore. His poetry collection, A Magician Among the Spirits, poems about Harry Houdini, is a 2022 Blue Light Press Poetry winner.  A collection of persona poems and dramatic monologues involving burlesque stars, The Trapeze of Your Flesh, was published in 2024 by BlazeVOX Books.