Jon Wesick

Crime Wave

I don’t know about murder hornets but cockroaches loiter in my cupboards and drunk-and-disorderly geese honk to hip-hop music until dawn. But you know what they say. When Canada sends its waterfowl, they don’t send their best. They send hooligans, delinquents, and scofflaws smuggling maple syrup and back bacon in their beaks. Law enforcement is a joke. Cops look the other way when raccoons shoplift beef jerky from the 7-Eleven. They even let the black bear who broke into my kitchen off with a warning. Otters or longhorn beetles must be paying them off. When I discovered a blue jay was using my credit-card number to buy fifty-pound sacks of birdseed online, I didn’t bother reporting it.

I blame the media. With all the lewdness on those PBS nature documentaries is it any wonder that gangs of white-tailed deer shake down business owners and woodchucks sell crack cocaine by Mrs. Blumtrapster’s petunias? Hell, the only reason the feds locked up that bighorn sheep was for tax evasion. Thank God, the murder hornets haven’t made it here, yet. The manslaughter spiders and assault-and-battery weevils are bad enough. Why, just last week, there was a home invasion of carpenter ants, all with their little saws and hammers, at the Dundersteads’ place. I’ve taken to keeping my shotgun loaded and propped by the door. If any mallards, sparrows, or nuthatches want to mess with me or mine, I’ll be ready.

Trigger Warning

The following poem contains the phrase “rubber testicles.” If the phrase “rubber testicles” upsets you or you simply don’t want to hear the phrase “rubber testicles,”
please don’t listen to this poem.

On the plus side, this poem does not contain the terms meat curtain, concrete vulva, tungsten-carbide dildo, titanium frenulum, or plutonium clitoris. If the terms meat curtain, concrete vulva, tungsten-carbide dildo, titanium frenulum, or plutonium clitoris offend you or if you simply don’t want to hear the terms meat curtain, concrete vulva, tungsten-carbide dildo, titanium frenulum, or plutonium clitoris; rest assured they do not appear in the following poem.

The following poem likewise does not include the phrases pearl necklace, tea bagging, rusty trombone, munching the carpet, choking the gopher, spanking the monkey, or slurping the gherkin. If the phrases pearl necklace, tea bagging, rusty trombone, munching the carpet, choking the gopher, spanking the monkey, or slurping the gherkin offend or upset you or if you simply don’t want to hear the phrases pearl necklace, tea bagging, rusty trombone, munching the carpet, choking the gopher, spanking the monkey, or slurping the gherkin, you’re in luck because the phrases pearl necklace, tea bagging,
rusty trombone, munching the carpet, choking the gopher, spanking the monkey, or slurping the gherkin do not appear in the following poem.

In conclusion the terms meat curtain, concrete vulva, tungsten-carbide dildo, titanium frenulum, plutonium clitoris, pearl necklace, tea bagging, rusty trombone, munching the carpet, choking the gopher, spanking the monkey, or slurping the gherkin do not appear in the following poem so rest assured you can enjoy this poem without having to hear the terms meat curtain, concrete vulva, tungsten-carbide dildo, titanium frenulum, plutonium clitoris, pearl necklace, tea bagging, rusty trombone, munching the carpet, choking the gopher, spanking the monkey, or slurping the gherkin. However, the term “rubber testicles” does appear in the following poem. If the term “rubber testicles” upsets you, or you don’t want to hear the term “rubber testicles”, do not listen to the following poem because the last thing I want to do is expose you to the term “rubber testicles” if you do not want to hear it.

 

Jon Wesick is a regional editor of the San Diego Poetry Annual. He’s published hundreds of poems and stories in journals such as the Atlanta Review, Berkeley Fiction Review, Metal Scratches, Pearl, Slipstream, Space and Time, Tales of the Talisman, and Zahir. Jon is the author of the poetry collections Words of Power, Dances of Freedom and A Foreigner Wherever I Go as well as several novels and short story collections. His most recent novel is The Enigma Brokers. http://jonwesick.com