Mickey Corrigan

Three Florida Man Poems

Florida Man Kills Self At School Where Worked As Security Guard

Lunacy found me
and I murdered
my own family
I went to work
a deputy
hired
to stop the battery.

Cannot stop the battery
I called in
on the radio
reported my own
lunacy and battery.

Pounding out aggression
I told them
how it hurts
the problems
the losses
money and my battered heart
outside on the lawn
waiting for the school buses
the deputies line up—
who will be next
to shoot the sheriff?

Turning to obsession
I killed my wife
I killed my child
I turned away
I turned the gun
on me
on lunacy and battery.

Can't kill my battery
and I'm not the only one—
a few months ago
another deputy
lunacy and battery
his wife, then him
four kids
left behind.

Cannot kill the family
lunacy found me
I shot the sheriff—
turned the battery
on me.

Florida Mayor Fired, Acting Mayor Fired Too

The fired mayor
before he is fired
fires off his pistol
at a SWAT team
entering his home at dawn.

Fired mayor's girlfriend
arrested more than 20 times
convicted felon with a gun
when he is arrested
for practicing medicine
without a license
and firing upon deputies.

Fired mayor
before he was fired
advocated dissolving
the entire city police department
after they appeared at his estate
dozens of times
for various reasons
including drugs.

Fired mayor is jailed
calls fired acting mayor
before he is fired
to discuss plans to intimidate
a witness
a cop.
Their conversation
is recorded.
Fired acting mayor
refuses to resign
until fired mayor
is convicted
of conspiracy.

Fired mayor compares
his predicament
to another Florida man's:
"Fake news!"

Florida Man Tells Clients On YouTube He's Lost All Their Money

He looks flash, sharp
tailored suit, the hair
cut expensive, cuff links
flash
like the watch
a Rolex
he folds his hands
as if in prayer
greets his clients
with the bad news.

Their money is gone
wiped out
as in a tidal wave
after a hurricane
in rough seas.

His face grim, lips
thinned he tells
people
who trusted him
with their savings
their futures
sorry
rogue wave
in the natural gas market
in a flash
their ship sank.

He won't be able to meet them
in the French Riviera,
on the Gold Coast of Australia,
on Miami Beach for Cuban food.
He won't be signing copies
of his book
The Complete Guide
to Options Trading.

See, he borrowed on margin
against their accounts
to cover losing
positions, which means
they owe
more
money.

Florida Man has noted
in the past
how natural gas
can experience
daily fluctuations
due to weather.

Florida Man is
a flash of hot air.

Florida Man is not
taking any calls.

 

Originally from Boston, Mickey J. Corrigan writes Florida noir with a dark humor. Novels include Project XX about a school shooting (Salt Publishing, UK, 2017) and What I Did for Love, a spoof of Lolita (Bloodhound Books, 2019). Kelsay Books recently published the poetry chapbook the disappearing self.