Shooting Wun Whale Wit Wun Bazooka
At Kana Kaluka
Rodney wen shoot wun whale wit wun bazooka
and he wen dig out in his small speedboat
wen all da tourists on da sightseeing ship
wen scream at him.
Why da hell he did dat
but plenty people wen freak out
and dey wen form wun spontaneous posse
foa go chase him down.
Five adah private boats
wen pursue him so he no get away
and dey wuz already on dere cellphones
to people on da shoreline
so da news wen spread fast.
No mess around wit environmentalists
in da Golden State
cause dey going mobilize fastah den da cops
and everyting going be poho foa you.
Rodney wuz suddenly wun fugitive
running from tree huggahs and Bambists
dat wanted to kick his okole.
Nobody wuz quite sure
how he wen acquire
da deadly hand-held weapon on da black market
but wat wuz really on dere minds right now
wuz getting big time revenge foa da dead whale.
Down da coast
all da way to Monterey
da word wuz out
wen Rodney wen land his speedboat in wun panic
by da power plant at Moss Landing
so everybody in da area wuz on to him.
Even people on da beach
looking foa sand dollahs
dose collectible sea urchins
got wind of da situation
and joined in on da manhunt.
In no time at all
Rodney wuz trying to escape down da beach
in front of wun rabid mob
dat wuz closing in on him.
wuz wun California moonbeam
all woo-woo from her purple tinted hair
to her multicolored toe nails
but she had her tomboy side too
wit her heart-shaped tattoos on her huge biceps.
She wuz meditating on da beach
dat she wuz wun long strand of kelp
gently moving to and fro in da ocean
came running on da sand
wit wun gang of people chasing him.
Veronica wen notice
dat some of her close friends
wuz aftah da guy
so she wen spring into action
and tackle him like wun linebackah
pinning him down
as da crowd approached.
By da time da cops wen show up
he had so many bruises on him
da buggah wen turn blue.
Lucky ting foa him
da police came to da rescue.
Da lesson heah
is dat if you evah have wun crazy urge
to do someting totally outrageous
it would be wise
not do someting as stupid
as shooting wun whale wit wun bazooka.
Kana Kaluka Santa Cruz.
poho Out of luck.
Joe Balaz writes in Hawaiian Islands Pidgin (Hawai'i Creole English) and in American English. He edited Ho'omanoa: An Anthology of Contemporary Hawaiian Literature. Some of his recent Pidgin writing has appeared in Unlikely Stories Mark V, Otoliths, Angry Old Man, and The Lake, among others. Balaz is an avid supporter of Hawaiian Islands Pidgin writing in the expanding context of World Literature. He presently lives in Cleveland, Ohio.