Joe Balaz

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Shooting Wun Whale Wit Wun Bazooka

At Kana Kaluka
Rodney wen shoot wun whale wit wun bazooka

and he wen dig out in his small speedboat

wen all da tourists on da sightseeing ship
wen scream at him.


Why da hell he did dat
nobody knows

but plenty people wen freak out

and dey wen form wun spontaneous posse
foa go chase him down.


Five adah private boats
wen pursue him so he no get away

and dey wuz already on dere cellphones
to people on da shoreline

so da news wen spread fast.


No mess around wit environmentalists
in da Golden State

cause dey going mobilize fastah den da cops
and everyting going be poho foa you.


Rodney wuz suddenly wun fugitive

running from tree huggahs and Bambists
dat wanted to kick his okole.


Nobody wuz quite sure

how he wen acquire
da deadly hand-held weapon on da black market

but wat wuz really on dere minds right now
wuz getting big time revenge foa da dead whale.


Down da coast
all da way to Monterey

da word wuz out

wen Rodney wen land his speedboat in wun panic
by da power plant at Moss Landing

so everybody in da area wuz on to him.


Even people on da beach
looking foa sand dollahs

dose collectible sea urchins

got wind of da situation
and joined in on da manhunt.


In no time at all
Rodney wuz trying to escape down da beach

in front of wun rabid mob
dat wuz closing in on him.


wuz wun California moonbeam

all woo-woo from her purple tinted hair
to her multicolored toe nails

but she had her tomboy side too
wit her heart-shaped tattoos on her huge biceps.


She wuz meditating on da beach

and imagining
dat she wuz wun long strand of kelp

gently moving to and fro in da ocean

wen Rodney
came running on da sand

wit wun gang of people chasing him.


Veronica wen notice

dat some of her close friends
wuz aftah da guy

so she wen spring into action
and tackle him like wun linebackah

pinning him down
as da crowd approached.


By da time da cops wen show up

he had so many bruises on him
da buggah wen turn blue.


Lucky ting foa him
da police came to da rescue.


Da lesson heah

is dat  if you evah have wun crazy urge
to do someting totally outrageous

it would be wise
not do someting as stupid

as shooting wun whale wit wun bazooka.


Kana Kaluka         Santa Cruz.
poho                      Out of luck.
okole                     Buttocks.


Joe Balaz writes in Hawaiian Islands Pidgin (Hawai'i Creole English) and in American English.  He edited Ho'omanoa: An Anthology of Contemporary Hawaiian Literature.  Some of his recent Pidgin writing has appeared in Unlikely Stories Mark V, Otoliths, Angry Old Man, and The Lake, among others.  Balaz is an avid supporter of Hawaiian Islands Pidgin writing in the expanding context of World Literature.  He presently lives in Cleveland, Ohio.